What Is Kind Voice? An Introduction for Beginners

Kind voice is a practice for bringing curiosity and care to your own inner world and to the inner world of another person. I created it through my work as a trauma therapist, drawing on interpersonal neurobiology, self-compassion, shame, and attachment research.

If you’re completely new to kind voice, it might be easiest to first listen to a two-minute example: A Plague of Loneliness or When You Feel Hijacked by Your Nervous System. Then come back and watch the video at the top of this post, where I explain what kind voice is and the science behind it.

A simple way to begin

Imagine a friend tells you they’ve had a difficult day at work. They say they long for easier and more easeful work. You care about their well-being and you ask:

“Hey, I’ve just learned a new way to communicate. Would you be willing to try repeating a few sentences after me?”

If they’re interested, offer each line and give them time to repeat it:

“My kind voice says…”

“I had a hard day at work.”

“I really wish I had a job that was easier.”

Then pause and ask how it affected their present-moment state or mood.

Your friend might comment on their immediate experience or share more of their thoughts and feelings about their struggle.

The sentences you offer in kind voice are like “bids of empathy” in Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC), where you guess the person’s feelings and needs.

The science behind the practice

Kind voice draws on concepts such as mindsight, reflective functioning, and mentalization: ways of attending to the inner world of ourselves or others.

In attachment relationships, this kind of COAL mindset helps a child experience their inner world as worthy of being seen. (COAL stands for Curious, Open, Aware, and Loving.) Kind voice offers a structured way to practice that with one another and within ourselves.

What if kindness feels uncomfortable?

Offering yourself kindness can bring up discomfort, sadness, or resistance. In self-compassion work, this response is sometimes called backdraft.

You can approach the practice gently, at a pace that works for you. You might begin with someone you trust or try just one sentence and notice what happens.

Come practice with us

If you’d like to experience kind voice in a group, I invite you to join our free Kind Voice Club. We practice together and explore the science behind connection and care.

Visit KindVoiceClub.com to learn more.